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candy
How Many Mini Snickers Bars Have You Eaten?
From Anisa Schardl the Candy Monster:
Candy appreciators,
You may have noticed that Easter blew by with no threatening emails
about donations for candy. This did not stop us from making a kill at
the post-Easter candy sales. Not only did we get tons of candy, but
it's the good stuff: twix, snickers, rolos, york peppermint patties,
and reese's that happen to be wrapped in pastel-colored wrappers.
Unfortunately, the amount of money that has come in does not quite
match the cost of this candy. Therefore, we are currently operating
with a you-get-what-you-pay-for policy on a rolling basis. That is,
when money comes in, candy will be put out. Simple as that.
Think about this: every mini snickers bar costs about 10 cents. How
many mini snickers bars have you eaten?
You give is the money, we'll give you the candy. Think of it as ransom.
The Candy Monsters
Candy PSA
A plan to hold onto the candy, from the Candy Monster:
Denizens of South College,
REDACTED
We hope that this news finds you all in good health.
Candy Monsters
The Candy Monster is Broke Again
Dire news from the Candy Monster:
Candy monster currently has no money.
If we do not get some significant donations soon, we will be forced to stock the candy jars with nothing but chalky, unpleasant conversation hearts until Easter.
That is all.
Candy Monster
From the Candy Monsters
Denizens of South College,
First off, let me congratulate everyone on an enjoyable, candy-filled
fall term. Candy appeared in the candy jars at a steady rate throughout
the term, and it is only now, so close to Valentine's Day, that the
candy is running low. This happy circumstance is due to YOU, the
wonderful people who contributed the money and candy to make this
happen. Your support has not gone unnoticed.
That said, Valentine's Day approaches, and therefore that most important
of holidays, the Day After Valentine's Day. With 10 days to go, the
candy stash is running low and unfortunately our funds are in no better
shape. At this rate, we are looking at a bleak and candyless February
and March.
One good term deserves another! Support your local candy jars by
donating. We take donations in the form of money or candy. A large
donation goes a long way to getting us through the winter!
Love,
Your Candy Monsters
Candy: Past the 40lb Mark
From the Candy Monsters:
Candy lovers,
Your pocket change has realized its potential. Target representative Jason (out of picture, right) volunteered that this is the largest post-Halloween candy purchase he has ever witnessed. With your help, we broke the 40 pound mark, and didn't even have to settle for tootsie rolls and candy corn (sorry Rajesh, the constituency has spoken).
Thank you donors!
Candy Call to Action
From your Candy Monster, Anisa Schardl:
Right now, we have enough money to eat last Christmas's ribbon candy and
stale Double Bubble to our hearts' content. Trust me, unless we get
some hefty candy donations TODAY, it's going to be a long 3.5 months
until Valentine's Day.
Bring in your left over Halloween candy, empty your pockets of their loose change --- do what it takes to bring back the chocolate!
[Thanks Anisa!]
Dispatch from the Candy Monster
PORCELAIN PORCINE PORTS PORTENT
by outgoing candy monster Andrew McKenzie
Amherst, MA (Candy Monster) — The Candy-Pig issued a strong
statement yesterday, calling all linguists to donate money.
The statement was issued at an emotional press conference yesterday
in the Linguistics main office. The candy-pig cited a "need for
extra fundage," and cited a link to (St.) Valentine's Day,
a pseudo-holiday where lovers quantify their affection in form
of US dollars.
The candy-pig was quoted as saying, "I got a hot date for
Valentine's, and, you know how it is. You gotta go somewhere nice,
you gotta dress to impress." When asked what clothing a porcelain pig might need to wear, it
replied "This is not a negotiation. I need money in my belly."
Recent uproar has challenged the candy-pig's alleged selfishness and
lack of sensitivity. Susan Chen, from the Chocotastic Institute, a
think tank in Pocatello, Idaho, attacks the entire candy-pig system,
calling it "Extortion. Pure and simple."
Other experts disagree. "The candy-pig provides a vital public
service, and expects a just compensation for it," says C.H.J.
Lethbridge, a fellow at the Lethbridge Institute on Chocolate and
Kitchen Studies in New York. He added, "There is no such thing as a
free cocoa-rific delight."
The debate has even lit up the blogosphere. Chefcoco34, hostess of
the infamous Underground Chocolatier blog, claims that it's all a
misunderstanding. "It's just a little quid pro quo and vice versa.
No need to get all 'sine qua non' on each other ad nauseam. Res ipsa
loquitur, yo."
Loyal Readers who decide to contribute to the candy-pig are requested
to make donations to the candy-pig jar in the Linguistics main
office, sometime this week. Suggestions are always welcome.
A Dispatch from the Candy Monster
PIG BLAMES CANDYLESS, CITES "EMPTY FEELING INSIDE"
by Andrew McKenzie
Amherst, MA (CM) -- In recent weeks, candy eaten-ness has
far outstripped candy-pig full-icity. As a result, the
candy pig has taken out its hunger on us, transforming our
chocolate into dubble-bubble.
The candy-pig was quoted as saying "The gum's flavor fades
instantly, even though the chewing sensation lasts longer.
What's more, it stimulates demand for more chocolate, which
I regret to say is not there."
The gum, known as Dubble-Bubble, is notorious for its
one-off note of flavor. Afficionados decry its lack of
complexity.
"The flavor explodes in your mouth," says one candy-lover
who wished to remain anonymous, "then it fizzles out. It's
nothing like the rich cocoa symphony that comes from the
real deal."
"It's more like a sonata than a symphony," added one
chocoholic, "You know, this ain't like Belgian chocolate."
This remark highlights the ongoing debate about the richness
of the chocolat-y goodness. Still, experts agree that it
beats any chewing gum. To quote the candy-pig: "Ha ha ha
ha!"
The candy-pig has stated interest in replacing the gum with
chocolate, and even other candies, if it "get[s] its own," a
reference to coins and bills. "But only American ones; I
don't digest Canadian coins very well."
In the face of the candy-pig's wrath, despair is starting to
sink in among some candy-lovers, especially those with a
flair for the dramatic: "Are we to stand idly by and allow
the dastardly candy pig to replace our scrumptious chocolate
with leathery bubble-gum? To transform the fruit of the
gods' favorite bean into the artificially-flavored
bark-scrape designed for the palates of mere children? We
must rise up and meet the candy-pig's challenge! Onward to
chocolatic victory!"
Those who would like to contribute to the cause are invited
to make monetary contributions to the blue candy-pig, on the
desk in the main office.
Candy Crisis Continues
The Candy Monsters Report:
We regret to inform you that although the Easter candy is in, the
money for it is not. Our fundraising efforts have fallen rather short
of our goals and projections. At this point we have $10 in the piggy.
We have $35 in cold, hard candy. If you ever want to see your candy
jar again, leave stacks of unmarked bills in the piggy bank pronto!
(Dark glasses, brown bags, and suitcases not required.)
Free the pastel Milky Ways!
Free the Cadbury's Caramel Eggs!
Free the absurdly colored Jelly Bellies, the Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, the Milk Chocolate Ovals with Mysterious Crunch!
All this, friends, for merely $25....
--Candy monsters reduced to crime
Another Candy Crisis!
From the Candy Monsters:
Linguists!
We are again in the throes of a grave candy shortage! Furthermore, we are on the threshold of a post-holiday candy-buying bonanza this coming Monday!
Thus: Now is the time, friends, for all good linguists to succor their piggy banks!! Donate now for our post-Easter shopping spree! Bunnies & pastel eggs for all! M&Ms in unnatural colors! Merriment! But not without your gracious donation!
---Your Candy monsters!
Call to Chocolate!
The candy situation, always precarious, is now
dire. The chocolate is gone. The nutty things are
good. We are left with tooth-achingly sweet artificially
fruity sugar globules.
Please donate to the worthwile cause of getting us more
goodies. The WHISC staff depends on this fuel for their
midnight publishing sessions.
[Thanks to Candy Monster Amy Rose for
sounding the alarm!]
