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« Jessica Rett Colloquium | Main | Chris Davis and Luis Alonso-Ovalle Presenting at GURT»
Dispatch from the Candy Monster
PORCELAIN PORCINE PORTS PORTENT
by outgoing candy monster Andrew McKenzie
Amherst, MA (Candy Monster) — The Candy-Pig issued a strong statement yesterday, calling all linguists to donate money.
The statement was issued at an emotional press conference yesterday in the Linguistics main office. The candy-pig cited a "need for extra fundage," and cited a link to (St.) Valentine's Day, a pseudo-holiday where lovers quantify their affection in form of US dollars.
The candy-pig was quoted as saying, "I got a hot date for Valentine's, and, you know how it is. You gotta go somewhere nice, you gotta dress to impress." When asked what clothing a porcelain pig might need to wear, it replied "This is not a negotiation. I need money in my belly."
Recent uproar has challenged the candy-pig's alleged selfishness and lack of sensitivity. Susan Chen, from the Chocotastic Institute, a think tank in Pocatello, Idaho, attacks the entire candy-pig system, calling it "Extortion. Pure and simple."
Other experts disagree. "The candy-pig provides a vital public service, and expects a just compensation for it," says C.H.J. Lethbridge, a fellow at the Lethbridge Institute on Chocolate and Kitchen Studies in New York. He added, "There is no such thing as a free cocoa-rific delight."
The debate has even lit up the blogosphere. Chefcoco34, hostess of the infamous Underground Chocolatier blog, claims that it's all a misunderstanding. "It's just a little quid pro quo and vice versa. No need to get all 'sine qua non' on each other ad nauseam. Res ipsa loquitur, yo."
Loyal Readers who decide to contribute to the candy-pig are requested to make donations to the candy-pig jar in the Linguistics main office, sometime this week. Suggestions are always welcome.