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« LSA Summer Institute Website | Main | Partee--Borschev Grant Meeting»

A Dispatch from the Candy Monster

PIG BLAMES CANDYLESS, CITES "EMPTY FEELING INSIDE"

by Andrew McKenzie

Amherst, MA (CM) -- In recent weeks, candy eaten-ness has far outstripped candy-pig full-icity. As a result, the candy pig has taken out its hunger on us, transforming our chocolate into dubble-bubble.

The candy-pig was quoted as saying "The gum's flavor fades instantly, even though the chewing sensation lasts longer. What's more, it stimulates demand for more chocolate, which I regret to say is not there."

The gum, known as Dubble-Bubble, is notorious for its one-off note of flavor. Afficionados decry its lack of complexity.

"The flavor explodes in your mouth," says one candy-lover who wished to remain anonymous, "then it fizzles out. It's nothing like the rich cocoa symphony that comes from the real deal."

"It's more like a sonata than a symphony," added one chocoholic, "You know, this ain't like Belgian chocolate." This remark highlights the ongoing debate about the richness of the chocolat-y goodness. Still, experts agree that it beats any chewing gum. To quote the candy-pig: "Ha ha ha ha!"

The candy-pig has stated interest in replacing the gum with chocolate, and even other candies, if it "get[s] its own," a reference to coins and bills. "But only American ones; I don't digest Canadian coins very well."

In the face of the candy-pig's wrath, despair is starting to sink in among some candy-lovers, especially those with a flair for the dramatic: "Are we to stand idly by and allow the dastardly candy pig to replace our scrumptious chocolate with leathery bubble-gum? To transform the fruit of the gods' favorite bean into the artificially-flavored bark-scrape designed for the palates of mere children? We must rise up and meet the candy-pig's challenge! Onward to chocolatic victory!"

Those who would like to contribute to the cause are invited to make monetary contributions to the blue candy-pig, on the desk in the main office.

October 19, 2006 12:04 AM | 04:26 (2006-10-19) , candy